Chasing Abby Part 2

Chasing Abby
Part 2
by: Melissa and Tammy

Author's Note: Part of the fan club sequence is stolen from a SNL skit.

(Spielberg Fan Club)
“Great, we’re all here. Now if you all sit down, the meeting of the Admirers of Steven Spielberg can now come to order,” Dawson said, standing behind the podium. He flashed a special smile at Jen, who was sitting in the front. “Okay, first order of business. New members! I believe we have a new one.”
“I don’t think so,” Joey, the vice president of the ASS told him. “We have to collect dues.”
“No, we have a new member.”
“Dawson, look around. Do you see any new members?”
“Yes I do-”
“Well, I don’t. Next order of business-”
“Everyone, meet Jen Lindley,” Dawson interrupted.
“You’re not supposed to say her last name, moron,” Joey hissed.
“Jen, stand up.”
She stood up. “Hi, I’m Jen. And I’m a Spielberg addict.”
Everyone clapped their hands and patted her on the back. “Admitting it is the first step.”
“Yeah, yeah, we have a new member. Next order of business,” Joey announced. “At the last meeting, Dawson came up with the idea of having a secret code name for Spielberg. So we can communicate with the other members of ASS who live in different towns. All in favor?”
“Aye,” said the fourteen present members of ASS.
“Good. Any suggestions?”
“Spielberg!”
“Stevie!”
“Stevie Wonder! You know, because he’s so wonderful!”
“S & M!”
“Sh*t head!”
“How about S- Man? You know, like a different X- Men, but with a different letter,” Jen suggested.
“That is so original,” Joey sneered. “Any other suggestions from the peanut gallery?”
“No, I like S- Man,” Dawson said. “All in favor?”
“Aye,” said thirteen people.
“All opposed?”
“Nay,” said Joey.
“Is there anything else we need to discuss?” Dawson asked.
“Yeah,” one person said. “We should discuss different ways of killing Spielberg.”
“As if we’ll ever get a chance,” Pacey muttered. “That damn restraining order...”
Dawson sighed. “Okay, Mr. James Van Derdick, why should we kill Spielberg?”
James stuttered, “Well, if I hang out with Spielberg, and he realizes I’m so not worthy.... Well, I’ll have to kill him, before he tells anyone else. Or lock him up in a giant bottle in my basement.”
Dawson sighed again. “All in favor of killing Spielberg?”
“Aye,” James said.
“All opposed?”
“Nay,” everyone else said.
“But what about the giant bottle?” James asked.
“Okay, James. I think it’s time for the Reality vs. Fantasy exercises,” Dawson told him.
“What’s that?” Jen asked. “Pacey, demonstrate for us, please.”
Pacey stood up. “I should ask Steven Spielberg, or S- Man for his autograph. I should not rip his hair off.”
“Even though a lock of his hair would be worth a lot of money,” Dawson said.
“But which is the reality and which is the fantasy?” Jen asked.
“Joey, you go next.”
Joey rolled her eyes and muttered under her breath. “I should write a letter to Spielberg-”
“S- Man,” Dawson corrected.
“Telling him how much I liked ‘Jaws’. But I should not type the letter on a death certificate. You can get in trouble for that, you know.”
“You get the idea, Jen?” Dawson asked.
Jen stood up. “I should enjoy watching S-Man’s movies. But I shouldn’t have to masturbate after watching them.”
James stood up. “I should stalk S- Man. But I should not rape and kill him.”
“Uh, that’s your fantasy?”
“Wait, you’re not James Van DerDick. You’re S- Man’s stalker!” Dawson accused. “You’re the one who wanted to rape and kill him.”
“Uh-oh,” the fake Van DerDick said. He ran for the door.
“Swarm, swarm! Attack! He tried to kill S- Man!”
They pinned him to the ground and all took turns hitting him in the head. The police came and handcuffed the perp.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, if it weren’t for you kids. And your little dog too!” he shouted.
“Hey, I resent that,” Dawson said. He pulled back his fist, ready to punch him.
“Hey, you can’t do that,” one cop said. “You can’t strike a prisoner in police custody.”
“But he tried to kill S- man,” Dawson protested.
“Who’s S- Man?” the cop asked.
“Who cares?” the other cop said. “He’s one of those ‘special’ children. They hardly ever let them out of their cages. So let the kid have some fun. Go ahead, sonny.”
Dawson let out a squeal and punched the guy.
(Dawson’s Car)
Dawson was driving Jen home in his new sports utility vehicle. Jen was rambling on about the meeting, but Dawson couldn’t concentrate. All he knew was that he had to tell her that he loved her soon.
“Hello? Dawson, are you even listening to me?” Jen said, breaking his reverie.
Dawson snapped back into reality, “Yeah, yeah.”
“So anyway, I really liked the meeting. Some of those people in there are real freaks though. I mean the way they love S-Man is unbelievable. The way that they could have so much love for S-Man. A man they never even met is crazy. I’m definitely going to the next meeting.”
“I can’t.”
“Dawson, you have to go to the next meeting. I mean, you are the president.”
“No, I wasn’t talking about the meeting. I was talking about us. I can’t go on pretending. Living this life of lies and deceit and deception.”
“What the hell are you talking about?” Dawson pulled over to the side of the road. “Oh my God, you’re really a woman aren’t you?” Jen laughed.
“No, I can’t go on pretending that we’re just friends. I love you, Jen.”
Lightning struck. Dun dun dun. “You’re the epitome of everything I’ve ever looked for in any human being.”
“Any human being?”
“Males being excluded. You’re smart, you’re funny, and you’re gorgeous. I mean you masturbate after Spielberg movies. I thought I was the only one who did that!”
“You are. I was just joking around.”
“Oh.” Awkward silence. “If bringing this to light means we can’t be friends anymore, well so be it. Because I can’t go on another day without telling you that I love you. You are my moon, my stars. Guiding me through the night. Because with every step you take. Every move you make. Uh... da da da da da. I’ll be watching you. Da da da da da. I’ll be watching you.”
Jen threw Dawson a look of disgust and ran out of the car. “Gee, was it something I said? Damn, I knew I should have listened to mom when she suggested voice lessons. Damn, I was sure Sting would work. I mean he’s all sexy with that shaved head. Wait, dammit. All the girls are into Puff Daddy.” Dawson shut off the engine and followed Jen.
“Well are you going to say anything to me, Jen?” Dawson asked her when he caught up to her.
“Yeah, f*ck you!”
“When? Where? What time?”
“That’s what I’m talking about. We can never f*ck. Do you know why we can never f*ck? Because I’m a f*cking lesbian. Do you f*cking remember me telling you that? I f*ck girls. And you’re a f*cking guy. Get the f*cking idea?”
“F*ck me. You mean you really f*ck girls? I thought you were just f*cking with my head.”
“I would never f*ck with your head. Or any other part of your anatomy for that matter.”
“So that’s it? I sing to you and express my undying love and you blow me off?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, that’s not fair.”
“I’ll tell you what’s not fair. Losing one of my best guy friends because he wakes up and decides he’s f*cking in love with me.”
“What? So there’s another guy. F*ck me. I knew I should have told you sooner.”
Jen slapped her forehead. “Good grief.”
“Jesus Christ. F*cking Charlie Brown is your guy friend?”
“No you idiot. You are. But I’m having serious doubts right about now.”
“Yeah it is. Bye.”
Dawson began to sing, “Say goodnight. Not goodbye. You will never leave my heart behind. Like the path of a star. I’ll be anywhere you are. In the spark that lines beneath the coals. In the secret place inside your soul.” Dawson began to walk back towards the car. He was so depressed. I mean he had been dumped before. But he had never been dumped for another girl.
Suddenly Jen grabbed his arm and turned him around. Before he could say anything she kissed him. He kissed her back. Still kissing passionately, they made their way back to the SUV.
(The Next Morning)
Joey opened the door carrying a cup of coffee and some doughnuts. She stumbled upon Dawson and Jen on the floor naked. Jen was wrapped up partially in an E.T. sheet. “F*ck me!” Dawson and Jen woke up. “You f*cked on E.T.? How low can you get? He doesn’t deserve that kind of treatment.” Obviously upset, Joey stomped out of the apartment.
“I better go and talk to her,” Dawson said. Jen mumbled a reply before going back to sleep.
(Outside)
“You seemed a little upset in there,” Dawson said as he joined Joey on the steps outside.
“Upset? Upset? Upset is an understatement. How could you do that to me, Dawson? How could you betray me? With her? A card-carrying lesbian. Geez, I thought if you really needed a f*ck, you would f*ck me before her. And on E.T. Oh Dawson. She’s gonna seduce you to the dark side.”
“No, I’ll get her on the righteous path to good with my trusty light saber.
“Somehow I doubt it. You’re going to wean her off her God given lesbian instincts with that? Dude, and what if she dumps you?”
“What makes you think she’s going to dump me?”
“Because she’s a lesbian! She likes pussy!”
“Your point being?”
Joey stood up. “Fine, get your heart broken. Just don’t come crying on my shoulder.”
“Okay.” Dawson went back inside and joined Jen on the floor. “Jen?”
“Yes?”
“Are you still a lesbian?”
She snuggled closer to him. “No woman can be a lesbian after one night with you.”
Joey spied on them from the window. “Damn right. She won’t be a lesbian after one night with you. She’ll be scarred for life.” She turned her face to the sky. “Why God? Why do you have to be so cruel? Why couldn’t you make me a lesbian?” She looked through the window again. “I know what you’re really after, Jen. And I won’t stop until you’re out of Dawson’s life forever. Forever. Forever.”
(Two Weeks Later)
Joey handed Dawson an old high school yearbook. “Turn to page twenty two. Look for Joshua Jacko.”
He flipped the pages. “And what’s so special about this guy?”
“Look at his nickname.”
“It’s ‘Jaws’. So what?”
“He took a bite out of tiny little Jennie.”
“What?”
“Josh had sex with her at a drive in. During ‘Jaws’. They never even saw the opening credits.”
“No, you’re lying. Tell me you’re lying!”
“The guy is like a legend. He did it with every girl at every showing of ‘Jaws’. All ‘Jaws’ movies. All four movies.”
“No.”
“Yes. I just thought I ought to tell you because you’re little Jennie might be dirty.”
“What are you talking about? She’s never been with a guy before me.”
Joey shrugged. “Ask him yourself. Or better yet, ask her.”
(The Mall)
Dawson walked through the mall. Ben Affleck pushed him down. “F*cking Mallrat,” Ben muttered.
“Wow, was that Ben Affleck?” Pacey asked.
“No, that’s the dude from Fashionably Male. He’s been giving me sh*t all summer.”
“So what’s the problem?”
“Jen lied to me. She had sex with a guy before.”
“Oh my God!”
“Yes,” Dawson nodded solemnly. “And it was during ‘Jaws’.”
“Oh my God!”
“So, what do I do, Pace?”
“Picante Sauce.”
“Hey, this isn’t Pace Picante Sauce,” someone said. “This stuff’s from New York City.”
“New York City?” The mall echoed in disgust.
“Didn’t I tell you never to call me Pace? See what happens when you do?” Pacey said, glaring at Dawson. “As for your problem with Jen, Dawson, did it ever occur to you that Jen might have been with another man before you? I bet she’s had girl on girl orgies before, so what’s the matter with a man?”
“But it was like ‘Jaws’, man. And the fact that she was with another guy... I don’t know, I just can’t understand it.”
Pacey patted him on the shoulder sympathetically. “No one expects you to.”
(Grams’ Funeral)
Jen’s grandmother died of a heart attack. But don’t worry about her. She’s not a sinner like Jen. She won’t be going to the fiery depths of hell.
Dawson insisted on being Jen’s date to the funeral. She would be needy, vulnerable... perfect time to score. Wait, what was he thinking? He was supposed to be mad at Jen.
He looked at her grandmother. (It was an open casket, yuck.) “You know,” he mused. “If you squint your eyes, you can almost see her nipples.”
They sat in the front pew. The pastor gave a eulogy. “Mrs. Ryan was an incredible woman: devout Christian, loving wife, mother and grandmother...”
Dawson decided this was as good as a time as any to confront Jen. “Hey, Jen?”
She wiped some tears away and turned to him. “What?”
“Have you ever seen ‘Jaws’?”
“Have I ever seen ‘Jaws’? This is my grandmother’s freaking funeral, and you ask me if I’ve ever seen ‘Jaws’?”
“It’s a perfectly logical question.”
“Yes, I have. First Spielberg movie I ever saw.” She turned back to the pastor.
“When you say ‘saw’, does that mean you watched it?”
“Yes!!!” Some people looked at her. “I mean, Hallelujah!”
“You tell ‘em, sister.”
“Amen! Hallelujah! Amen! Hallelujah!” the entire congregation chorused.
Dawson continued his interrogation. “So, have you ever seen it in a ... drive-in?”
“Probably. I don’t know...it’s kinda fuzzy.”
“Probably? Is that a probably yes? Or a probably no?”
“Probably yes. Do you have any more questions? I’d kinda trying to pay attention to the sermon.” Jen turned back to the pastor.
“Have you ever heard of a guy named Josh Jacko?”
“No, the name doesn’t ring a bell. Oh wait...now I remember. He’s the one that took me to see‘Jaws’.”
“Aha! So you admit it!” People began to stare at Dawson. “Uh...so it was Colonel Mustard in the library with the candlestick who killed your grandma!”
“I knew it! Heart attack my ass. Those stupid doctors and autopsies have nothing on good old fashion Clue.” Pacey yelled from the back of the room.
“Please, Dawson. Can we please do this later?” Jen pleaded.
“Do? Do! How dare you mock me in front of my friends and family?!”
“Dawson, what are you talking about?”
“I know who you did in Josh Jacko’s car!”
“Josh Jacko?”
“So you admit it!?” Dawson said in disgust. “Jen, you could have at least lied to me. I mean what’s up with that? You could have lied and made me happy...but nooo. You have to tell me the truth. Do you know how much that hurts me?”
“What are you talking about?”
“You f*cked Josh Jacko! And during ‘Jaws’! How could you do this to me? How could you lie to me? You told me I was the first.”
“How could I do this to you? How could you do this to me? This is my grandmother’s funeral. And you’re bringing up stupid high school sh*t.” She stomped out. “I never liked ‘Jaws’ that much anyway!”
Dawson gasped. “Oh my God. She did not just say that.” Dawson ran out after Jen.
“And may God look over those two f*cked up kids.” The pastor said before continuing.
(Outside)
Jen ran to her car. Dawson yelled, “Hey, wait up!” She ignored him and kept on running. “Oh great. I’ll have to break a sweat.” He caught up with her.
She pushed him away. “Don’t touch me.”
“No, you were touching me. I grabbed your arm, but your elbow was touching my hand.”
“Stay away from me!”
“No, you stay away from me!” He tried to get in her car.
“This is my car, moron,” Jen said.
“Why don’t you ask Josh Jacko for a ride?” Dawson mocked.
“Oh, f*ck you.”
“No, go f*ck Josh Jacko.”
“Shut up!”
“No, tell Josh Jacko to shut up.”
“Josh Jacko isn’t here!”
“Tell Josh Jacko that.”
Thoroughly pissed of, Jen drove off. Dawson ran after her. You know, those cocker spaniel instincts.
(Spielberg Fan Club)
“Well, this is a lousy turn out,” Dawson said. Only three members of ASS were present; he, Andie McPhee and Jack McPhee. “I don’t know about you guys, but I want to go home.” He started to pack up his stuff.
“What’s the matter with you, Dawson?” Andie asked. “Want some pills?”
“No. I have a problem pills can’t solve.”
“Damn! I got liquid form.” She pulled out a bottle of Nyquil.
“He doesn’t have a cold, Andie,” Jack said. “I think it’s girl trouble.”
“Ooh!” Andie jumped up and down excitedly. “Who’s the girl, Dawson?”
“No one you know.” Dawson tried to leave.
“Hey, you’re not getting off that easy. I know people who know people who are on the outside.”
“Outside of what?”
Jack whispered, “She’s on temporary leave.”
“Is it Nellie Oleson?” Andie asked. Dawson shook his head. “Laura Ingalls Wilder? Christy Livingstone? Bessie Potter?”
(An Hour Later)
“Joey Potter? Cliff Elliot?”
“Dawson, just tell her,” Jack said. “We’ll be here all night.”
“You probably don’t know her... It’s Jen Lindley,” Dawson said.
“Oh my gosh,” Andie said in her perky, breathless way. “Isn’t she a –you know- lesbian?”
“She was. Or is. I don’t know,” Dawson said in his characteristically clueless way.
“Well, have you guys had sex?”
“Yes.”
“Then she’s not a lesbian. Problem solved!” Andie said happily.
“No, that wasn’t the problem. The problem is that I found out that she had sex with another guy.”
“She cheated on you? Oh poor baby, you didn’t tell me you were depressed. Let me see if I have any more lithium in my purse.” Andie began to look for the prescription bottle. “Anyway-while I’m looking tell me all about it. Ooh, I found them!” She handed the bottle to him.
“Well, actually she slept with a guy back in high school.”
“What?! I almost wasted two pills on you.” She snatched the bottle back.,P> “That’s not the problem. She slept with him...during ‘Jaws’.” Dawson looked down at his feet. Andie and Jack looked shocked. “And when I confronted her about it...she told me she never liked ‘Jaws’. She told me she....she...” Dawson took a deep breath, “...that she hated it.”
“Oh my God! You do need these pills.” Andie shoved a few into his hands.
“So anyway-” Dawson took a moment to swallow the pills, “Now what do I do? I mean my soul mate just told me she hated one of the greatest masterpieces of all time. And she slept with a guy.”
“You’re chasing Abby,” Jack said matter of factly.
“Huh?” Dawson and Andie said simultaneously.
“Have you been popping my pills again?” Andie asked.
“No. Back in high school I knew this girl named Abby Morgan. She was incredible. We were big time in love. Then, two weeks down the road she told me she had gone down on another guy. I was so shocked. And then she told me she had done the deed during a screening of ‘Schindler’s List’. So of course, I go ballistic on her. You know, calling her a whore, a slut, Kevin Williamson lover. I mean I really wanted to hurt this girl the way she had hurt me.”
“Then what happened?”
“We broke up. Just like that. Two weeks later, I was already regretting my decision.”
“But she did it during Schindler’s List!” Dawson protested.
“I know. But I really loved her and missed her. It was a one time thing for her. It wasn’t like she did that at every Spielberg movie she saw. But I didn’t realize it until it was too late. She had already moved on. With a Renny Harlin fan.”
“No.”
“Yes. She was over me. All I had left was my stupid pride and my collection of Spielberg films. And believe it or not, I would trade that collection for just one day with her.”
“Wow, you really loved her,” Andie said in awe.
“Yes. Spielberg will keep on making movies... But there was only one Abby Morgan.” He checked his watch. “Come on, let’s go, Andie. They’re playing ‘Hook’ on KTLA, and I don’t want to miss it.”
Dawson watched them leave. Somewhere, in his depths of self-pity and despair, he heard Jack’s words. Some of them actually made sense.
(One Hour Later)
Dawson invited Jen into his apartment. “Dawson, we need to talk-”
“Shh. Don’t say anything yet. Just sit down next to Joey,” he told her.
She sat down on the other end of the couch. “What is she doing here?” Joey asked disdainfully.
“Oh, f*ck you, Joey.”
“Yeah, I know that’s your thing. Hey, I hear ‘Hook’ is on. Let’s desecrate another Spielberg film.”
“Enough, you two,” Dawson whined in his pathetic little voice. “You’re making this so difficult.”
“What’s so difficult, Dawson?” Joey questioned. “Just tell blondie to go f*ck off.”
Dawson smacked her. “Shut up.”
Joey shut up.
“Okay, you two. I’ve given this a lot of thought. I’ve searched my soul, trying to seek the right answer. I’ve spent nights, pacing, trying to figure out how to solve my problems. Since my recent conversation with Jack and Andie about an hour ago, I’ve come to this conclusion.”
“Which is?” Jen and Joey asked simultaneously.
“You just ruined my dramatic pause. I will never get that back again,” Dawson pouted.
“Can we just get to the point?” Jen said.
“There you go again, ruining my moment. Don’t you see? Our problem doesn’t have to do with us. It has to do with me. And you. You just keep on ruining my timing.”
“I thought you had a problem with my boinking Josh Jacko during ‘Jaws’.”
“There you go again, throwing it in my face! Won’t you ever let it go?”
“Point, Dawson?” Joey reminded.
“Oh, yeah. I was going to drag this out for a couple hours, but since you guys are so impatient… We all have to sleep together.” Dramatic pause. “Following sex, of course.” Dramatic silence.
“Dawson, why?”
He dealt with Joey first. “Joey, isn’t it obvious? You’re in love with me. Like since high school. And they call me the oblivious one.” He laughed. “And the fact that we’ve been sleeping together forever, and you not once ever made a move on me… Well, there must be something wrong with that relationship. So, in order to grow closer, we must f*ck each other.”
“But why does Jen have to be there?”
“Because a three way is way better. And I love her. Oh, and Pacey told me you didn’t like Jen or something, so this will bond you guys. And between the three of us, there will be enough passion to sustain us through at least five Spielberg movies. So, Jo, what do you say?”
“Sure!”
Dawson grinned. He turned to Jen. “How about you? Will you do it for us?”
Jen shook her head. “No.”
“Well, that just screws everything up. Why not?”
“Because I don’t want to have a three way with you and Joey, that’s why!”
“But I thought you’d be into this,” Dawson protested. “I mean, we’re going to be watching Spielberg movies.”
“Dawson, that is a part of my life that I’m ashamed of. I no longer want to be the girl who desecrates true masterpieces. This won’t solve our problems, Dawson. It’ll make more.”
“No, I thought of that. Because with two girls in the same bed, I’ll be less likely to pay attention to the movies. So I’ll be desecrating masterpieces, too. Then I’ll be on par with you. We will have shared something beautiful.”
“What happens if I revert to my old ways and fall in love with Joey?”
“That won’t happen. She’s too ugly for that.”
Joey said, “Well, the ugly stick wasn’t kind to you either. And the ugly tree! Damn, you must’ve hit every branch on the way down.”
“Shut the f*ck up. You know you want me.”
Well, Joey might want you, but I don’t!” Jen yelled. “It’s over.”
“What do you mean, over?”
“Over, finished. If you call, I will hang up. If you drop by, I’ll call the cops. If you ever come near me again, I’ll get a restraining order.
“You really screwed up, Dawson! You and your stupid Spielberg hang-ups. News flash: Spielberg is not God. Another news flash: he’s made some crappy films. Third news flash: you’re an idiot. What guy gets upset if his girlfriend has had sex with a guy before? I would think you’d get upset with my wild girl on girl parties…”
“But that’s totally different,” Dawson protested. “That’s lesbian sex. That doesn’t count as real sex.”
Jen bitch slapped him. He fell to the ground. She left the apartment.
“Hey, Joey. Help me up,” Dawson pleaded.
Joey ignored him and stomped off to her bedroom.
(One Week Later)
“Then what happened?” Andie asked. She was talking to her brother on the phone.
“So the dumb f*ck said, ‘That’s lesbian sex. Not real sex.’ So, of course, she dumps him. Then Jen comes to me for comfort. And she’s all vulnerable and sh*t, so I play that up. Before I know it, one hour later, we’re in the sack together.”
“Wow, I can’t believe it,” Andie said. “I can’t believe Dawson proposed a menage a trois. That’s totally unlike him.”
“Actually, I suggested it.”
“You what?”
“All part of my master plan.”
“What plan?”
“Dawson called me up after the meeting, asking for a way to win Jen back. So I proposed the three way, knowing Jen wouldn’t go for it.”
“But why, Jack, why?”
“Because I hate Dawson. He just gets to me, man. How come he gets to be the president of ASS? Does S-Man really want him to be president of the club? Yeah right. I’m just taking what’s mine.”
“But how does winning Jen get you the presidency?”
“Andie, Andie. You just don’t understand these things. It’s all part of my master plan. One month down the line, I’ll dump Jen, telling her I’m gay. Dawson will run back to her. And when his back is turned, I’ll be turning the members of ASS against him.”
“Wow.”
"Yeah, yeah, yeah. It’s all about Jack. You know that bullsh*t about ‘Chasing Abby’? Abby is like the symbol. Jack is the star. Just Jack! I’m telling you, in due time, it’s going to be ‘Jack’s Creek’."
“Wow, that’s so cool,” Andie repeated.
Jack nodded. “Yup. All part of the master plan.”