Dream On
A Parody
by: Melissa and Tammy
Authors' Note: Yes, we own them. Please send money. (Again, note sarcasm.)
Pacey sat in the middle of his science class, bored to death. He hated his life. It really sucked. His family hated him, and girls ran away from him ever since they heard a teacher legally raped him.
His relationships with his friends were the worst. Although Dawson was his best friend, the guy annoyed him. He had two hot girls after him, but he remained oblivious. Pacey was convinced that Dawson was either gay or retarded. (His collie dog haircut showed how stupid he was.)
The teacher interrupted his thoughts. “Class, we have a new student. Her name is Alyssa.” The teacher glanced down at her roll sheet. “You can sit by Pacey Witter. Pacey, raise your hand.”
“Hi, I’m Alyssa,” she introduced herself after she settled in.
“Pacey Witter.” They shook hands.
Then out of the blue, she asked, “Want to go to the community college frat party with me tonight?”
Dumbfounded, he nodded. The bell rang. She handed him a piece a paper with her phone number on it.
“Call me after school and we can hook up.” Alyssa left to go to class.
“Wait, are you a cheerleader?” Pacey called after her. She didn’t answer. Oh, well. Pacey might as well go out with her anyway, even if she wasn’t one. At least she was cute and blond.
~At the Party~
Alyssa led the slightly drunk Pacey to an empty dorm room, away from the noisy party. He collapsed on the bed. Alyssa lay down next to him. She ran her hands up and down his chest.
“Pacey, do you like me?” she asked.
“Sure, I like you. You’re very nice,” he replied.
She smiled. “I think I’ll be even nicer to you.” She stood up and started to unbutton the front of her dress.
“Hey, what are you doing?” She didn’t answer. “Are you hot? If you are, I can get you something cold to drink.”
“Pacey, you are so funny,” she laughed. Her dress was partially unbuttoned, so Pacey could see how she lifted and separated.
“Alyssa, I want to take it slow. How about we just talk for awhile?”
“Sure. I bet a hot guy like you has a girlfriend, right?”
“No. Not that I haven’t bagged my fair share of women, but…” his voice trailed off. “I just don’t like being tied down, you know?”
“I don’t know. You might want to try it sometime,” she winked. Pacey started to squirm. Alyssa leaned over and kissed him.
“Uh, Alyssa, what are you trying to do?”
“You.” She put her hand on his fly.
He pushed her away, so hard that she fell on to the ground. “Dammit,” he cried. “Don’t you know no means no?”
Two frat brother burst in on the not-so-happy couple. They saw Alyssa lying on the floor and assessed the situation. They immediately kicked Pacey out.
Pacey walked home, tired and confused. Why had he rejected Alyssa? A beautiful woman was throwing herself at him, but he had pushed her away. After all, he was not one to turn down free hooch.
~Pacey’s House~
He wearily climbed the stairs and went into his room. He pulled back the sheets and let out a girly scream.
Joey was in his bed, wearing nothing but his Mighty Ducks shirt.
“Jo! What the hell are you doing here?”
“What do you mean?” she asked nonchalantly. “I sleep with Dawson all the time, why not you?”
She started to run her hands up and down his chest.
“Yeah, I know. I think you should go –” Joey grabbed his head and kissed him.
“Be my first, Pacey,” she pleaded.
“I don’t think so. Not that you’re not gorgeous and not that I don’t want to. Wait, I don’t have a good reason. I just can’t.”
“Fine,” she pouted. Hurt and rejected, she stomped out of the house.
“Joey! You forgot your underwear!” he yelled out the window.
“Bite me.”
Pacey was angry at her negative attitude. “You better give me back that shirt! If you keep it, you might curse Emilio Estevez, and he’ll never do good movie again!”
~Jen’s House~
Pacey waited outside impatiently. Normally he didn’t give rides to school, but Jen had called him unexpectedly after Joey left and asked. How could he refuse?
He honked on the horn. Jen’s face appeared briefly in the window. “I’m running late. Why don’t you come inside and wait?”
“Okay.” He tried the front door, and guess what, it was unlocked. He waited in the living room. “Jen? Ready yet?”
“Right here.” Jen stood at the top of the stairs, wearing nothing but a short, silk bathrobe. She walked down the stairs slowly.
“Jen,” Pacey breathed.
“Hi, Pacey,” she smiled. “Ready to unwrap your present?” She touched the sash on her bathrobe invitingly.
Pacey tried to back away, but he ended up falling on his butt. This encouraged Jen further. “We can’t do this,” he protested.
“Why not?” she moved his hand to her hip.
“I can’t. I mean, you’re turning me on, and damn, you look incredible, but I can’t. I have to go.” He ran out the door.
Jen watched him go. “That bitch Joey must have gotten to him first.”
~Pacey’s House~
Pacey ran upstairs, as if he was being chased. He locked himself in the bathroom. He turned on the faucet and splashed cold water on his face.
“What’s wrong with me?” he wondered. In the last twenty-four hours, three girls had begged him for sex. But he kept on rejecting them. Why? He didn’t even know himself.
Pacey looked at himself more closely in the mirror. His hair was growing long in the front, in wavy curls. They looked almost like Dawson’s.
“That’s it! That’s why I’ve been so oblivious! That’s why I’ve been rejecting hot girls! I’m turning into Dawson.”
He grinned, happy he solved that mystery. Then he realized what being Dawson Leery would be like. The thought was enough to wipe the smile off his face.
“Why me, God? Why?” he cried. “Why do you hate me so much?”
He couldn’t live as Dawson. He’d rather die. Now there was an idea…
News Report: Local Boy Commits Suicide
Pacey Witter, 16 was found in his home, dead. The autopsy showed he had slit his wrists, swallowed a gallon of Liquid Drain-O, and then laid face down in a bathtub full of water. He left no suicide note, we all think it’s pretty obvious he REALLY did not want to live.
Another Authors' Note: We are not condoning or promoting suicide.