Happy Birthday, Melissa!

Now, yes, it is true, I am a bum who can't get off her ass to go to the post office, but that's not because I don't care about you.

It's just that I care about myself more.

Seeing as you're my sister, you've probably known this for... well, 19 or so years.

Now, what you don't know is that since you've been gone, I've been feeling quite sad. Like... half of me is gone:

You, however, have been quite unaware of this (sort of like the $64 collect call you made to us from Italy) because I'm fairly good at lying.

Sort of like Paul.

I've even missed the 'tappa tappa' on the keyboard.

Okay, so maybe more like this:

Brandon, it should be noted, does not miss this.

What an awful brother. Good thing I'm your sister.

So, I thought long and hard (approximately 3 minutes) about what to get you for your birthday. I don't think they sell 'talent' at the drug store, but I know they sell these:

However, I don't think it looked very much like Paul McCartney... or Prince William.... or Xena Warrior Princess, and I also remembered you telling me that we could only send used things over to you lest the Italian police think you're trying to sell the item over seas for a profit.

I didn't want to break it in for you, so you'll have to wait until you return from Italy to get your present.

Nevertheless, I hope you have an awesome birthday.