A Parody: Part 1
by: Melissa and Tammy
Author's Note: Has some sexual situations. Stole the part about Joey's obssesing about Dawson from "The Unlikely Romance of Kate Bjorkman."
Melissa: Hey, Tammy!
Tammy: What, you mother f**cker?
Melissa: You wish. Did you know we might have inadvertently started a genre?
Tammy: Oh really.
Melissa: Yeah, who do you think was the first person to post a "Dawson is gay" fanfic? Or a fanfic where all the characters are gay?
Tammy: Oh, I thought you just got it from the show.
Dawson, Pacey and Joey were finishing up on Dawson’s crappy monster movie. Then a vision of loveliness walked up to them.
“Hi, I’m Jen Lindley,” the girl introduced herself.
“I’m Dawson Leery,” Dawson stuttered. He was awestruck by the blond. She had the face of an angel and the body of a goddess.
Right away, he knew he had to have her in the movie. He could imagine the scene already. He would be playing the monster, and she would be his prisoner. She would be on a bed; her wrists and ankles tied to the posts with silk bonds. Her body would be writhing in pleasure or pain or both…
“I’m Joey Potter and we never met before, ever.” Joey’s whiny voice broke Dawson’s reverie. Joey knew already that she hated Jen. Even though the girl seemed pleasant, and genuinely interested in her, Joey still hated her. “That slut,” she muttered, looking at her dress. It was so short, that when Jen walked over, it got caught between her legs. “I bet she planned it on purpose.” But Joey had an even better reason for hating Jen. All day Joey had ran around in a skimpy wet bikini, her nipples giving full salute to her bathing suit top, but the guys hadn’t given her a second glancce. Then this fully dressed bitch walked over, and the guys were slobbering all over her.
“Pacey Witter,” Pacey smiled at Jen. She was pretty hot. Too bad she wasn’t twenty years older, closer to Gale Leery’s age. Now that was a real woman. Maybe Jen would get knocked up soon. Then she would no longer have perky breasts and slender hips. She would have droopy breasts and breeder’s hips.
Jen thought, ‘They all seem nice.’ She smiled at Joey, who tried to return her smile, but ended up sneering instead. ‘That’s odd. Maybe Joey physically cannot smile. Maybe she is missing a muscle in her cheek, so she can’t move her lips that much. Should I tell her there is surgery for that now?’
Her grandmother honked. “Oh, I have to go, but it was nice to meet all of you.” She ran back to the station wagon.
“Yeah,” Dawson mumbled. He turned to Pacey. “Man, did you see the way she was coming on to me? She is so into me.”
“Yeah right. She liked me, buddy. I think she was trying to check out my ass.”
“You wish. Like she could really see it through that costume.”
“Doesn’t make it any less incredible.”
Joey was seething. Her only two friends in the world were having a pissing contest over that girl. She knew how to fix them. “Dawson, Pacey, shut up. You guys are so blind. She was coming on to me.”
Dawson and Pacey together, “No way!”
“Did you see the way she was looking at me? Making eye contact, nodding her head in agreement whenever I said something? Duh, she’s a lesbian. A big one,” she lied.
Pacey and Dawson exchanged a look. “She can’t be gay,” Dawson said.
“Why not?” Joey countered.
“Because that would be a waste of a woman like that.”
“Like my room?” Dawson asked Jen.
“You’re a Spielberg freak, aren’t you?” Jen looked at all the retarded posters on his walls.
“Pretty much worship the man in a god-like way.”
‘What a loser,’ Jen thought. She looked at her watch. ‘Maybe if I plan this right, I can leave before he suggests we hang out together.’
“Want to watch a movie?” Dawson asked hopefully.
Jen groaned, but she couldn’t think of an excuse not to. “Okay, you choose.”
“Jurassic Park!” Dawson squealed happily. He popped the tape in the VCR.
~An Hour Later~
Dr. Malcolm turned to the archeologist. “The triceratops is in heat. She’s ready to explode. We need to…relieve this tension. Quick, hand me my gloves and the giant vibrating dildo.”
“Dawson, are you sure this is the right tape? I didn’t think there was this much sex in Jurassic Park.”
“This is the special director’s cut,” Dawson informed her.
“What does that mean?”
“Spielberg made this copy especially for his most devoted fans. I had to call a 900 number for this one.”
“You have others?”
Dawson nodded, then turned back to the televison. “Oh, great, this is the best part. Soon the triceratops will get tired of being ridden by the humans. Then they will do their own mounting.”
“Uh, I have to go,” Jen ran out the room.
“What did I do?” Dawson wondered. He decided to call Pacey and ask for advice. “Hey, Pacey, I need some advice.”
“About what, my man?” Pacey asked.
“Oh, that foxy chick. The blond bombshell form New York. The object of your obsession.”
“You mean affection?”
“Anyway, I need some help. I don’t know what to say to her. It all comes out wrong.”
“Well, you came to the right place. Here’s a good one. Go up to her and say, ‘Baby are you wearing Windex?’”
“That sounds like an insult.”
Pacey ignored this. “And she’ll say no. Then you’ll say, ‘That’s funny, because for some reason, I can see myself in your pants.’”
“Too obvious. I need something more subtle.”
“How about this: Baby if I could rewrite the alphabet, I would put U and I together.”
“How about flattery? Like this one: Baby, I really like your dress. I’d like it even better if I found it thrown into the corner of my room tomorrow morning.”
“Or, I’d like it even better if I could rip it off your body. Or-”
“Okay, I get the picture. I’ll talk to you later, I want to finish this movie.” Dawson hung up. Then he dimmed the lights, turned on his movie. Finally, he turned off the sound, and lay back on his bed.
Joey climbed through the window. She saw Dawson beating his own stick. Or shucking his corn. Or test firing the missile. Or spanking the monkey. Whatever.
“Dawson!” Joey cried, shocked and upset. “I can’t believe you’re watching this without me!”
“Sorry. Jen and I were watching it-”
“You bastard. I thought this was something special, for us only. Who else have you shown this to?”
“Well, one time me and Pacey-”
“I don’t want to hear anymore. Don’t you see, Dawson? This was a sacred trust. I’m going. Call me when you’ve matured.”
Joey left crying. On the way home, she remembered all the special things she and Dawson had shared. Like last week, Dawson was chewing some gum. He had dropped it down the garbage disposal, and Joey retrieved it later and sampled it. Almost like French kissing, she thought. Then there was the time when Dawson tripped over his own feet and cracked his head open. Blood was everywhere. Later at the hospital, Dawson gave Joey his bloody shirt to throw away. But she never did. Instead, she slept with it under her pillow every night.
Now everything has changed now that Jen was in Capeside.
~Capeside High School~
“You see that blond girl over there?” Joey asked the football player.
“You mean the really hot one?”
“Ah, yeah. I guess you could say that. Well, anyway, she told me to tell you that she thinks you’re cute. The only reason I’m telling you this is my respect for you. I mean, you wouldn’t want to go out with a girl who just wants to have sex with you, right? You want to be appreciated for your intelligence and personality, right?”
“Yeah, whatever. I think I’ll go talk to her.” The football player pushed her out the way.
“Tell your buddies! I think she’s into threesomes!” Joey smiled evilly. This was the 17th guy she had talked to. She gave each one the basic story; Jen was nothing but a whore who wanted to snare their bodies.
“Hey, Joey,” Dawson called.
“I’m not talking to you, remember?”
“Okay, don’t talk. Just come to the movies tonight with me.”
“Really?” She couldn’t believe her luck. “Just the two of us.”
“And Jen and Pacey of course.”
“I think it’s time to use one of Pacey’s magic lines,” Dawson murmured. “Hey, Jen, I really like you dress.”
Surprised, but pleased, she said, “Thanks.”
“But I’d like it even better if I was wearing it.”
Dawson groaned. “Oh, dammit, I messed it up!”
“No kidding.” Pacey smacked him on the back of the head. “I give you one of my best lines, and you pervert it.”
Joey called, “I found the seats, guys!”
They sat down in the center row. Pacey, then Jen, then Dawson, then Joey. Joey had tried to sit between them but Dawson bitch-slapped her when no one was looking.
“Hey girl, whatcha trying to do?” Dawson asked. She relinquished her seat to him. He turned to Jen. “Hey, is that Windex on your pants?”
Jen rolled her eyes. Dildo. “I’m not wearing pants, I’m wearing the dress you spilled soda on.”
“See you guys later,” Pacey said. “I see Miss Jacobs sitting across from us. I’m going to score tonight! I mean, I’m going to talk to her about our English assignment.”
The movie started. Dawson casually put his arm around Jen. Then he squeezed her breast. She bitch-slapped him.“Keep your filthy fingers off me. Who knows where they’ve been.”
Dawson quickly took his hands off her. He tried a different tactic. “Hey, Jen do you have a little American in you?”
She looked at him strangely. “Yes.”
“Dammit. Well, would you like some more?” Dawson was proud. He had thought of that all by himself!
“As if you have any to give me.” She stalked out of the theater.
Dawson was bummed. None of his lines had worked. Then he perked up. Literally and figuratively. He still had one more line left. He followed her outside.
“Hey, Jen, wait up.”
“Stay away from me.”
“Wait, I want to apologize. Jen, baby, if I could rewrite the alphabet, I would-”
“Shut up! You know what, f**k you. F**k you front and back, over and over until you bleed and pus from every orifice.”
“Dammit, you ruined my timing. Do you know how hard that is?”
“I’m the best sex you’ll never have.”
“That’s for damn sure!”
The End or is it the Beginning?