A Parody: Part 2
by: Melissa and Tammy
Disclaimer: Yeah, we actually own them. Every single character. And we own the series too. Kevin Williamson is
actually our whore. (Ok, we're being sarcastic.)
Dawson stood at his bedroom window, looking at the house next door. “I wonder what Jen is
doing right now.”
“Will you give it up?” Joey said. “She told you to f*ck off.”
“Yeah, but I don’t think she meant it.” Dawson pulled down his shade.
“And what if she didn’t?”
“I won’t think about it now. I’ll think it about it tomorrow. After all, tomorrow is another day.”
“Whatever, Scarlett. I’ll be going now.” Joey stood up and started putting on her shoes.
Dawson, who was undressing, asked, “Hey, where are you going?”
“Home.” “I realized that. Why?”
“Dawson we just can’t do this anymore. Well, what I mean is that we can’t have sex anymore.”
“But Joey, we’ve been doing it since we were ten years old.”
“I know that, Dawson. But we’re fifteen right now. And having sex at this age is just wrong. It’s
just wrong, I tell you.”
“Okay, Joey. What’s really up?”
“No, I want you to lie. You know how I can’t take the truth.”
“You’re bad in bed.”
(Cut to theme music)
“Just do it, Joey.” Dawson urged.
“Why can’t you do it?”
“Because telling her I forgot to take my medicine that night, sounds kind of lame.”
“And by me telling her that, it’s not lame?”
“Well, yeah. You see, you can come off as the concerned friend telling the newcomer. While, I
would end up sounding like a psychopathic loser.”
“Fine, I’ll tell her in biology.”
“So, Tamara, what say you and I get it on tonight?” Pacey said.
“Hell, I’m only in the middle of class, let’s go at it right now.”
“But it’s my first time, and I’m a little self-conscious with the audience principle.”
“Pacey, an active audience will only help us. They can cheer us on, yell out suggestions. Just
pretend you’re a porn star. Act real cocky and pretend you know what you’re doing and the
audience will never know you’re a first-timer.”
“Okay. You can call me Naked. Buck Naked.”
“And you can call me Dick Swiftly”
“Did you tell her?” Dawson asked Joey.
“No, not yet. I forgot,” Joey lied.
“You forgot? How could you forget the most important part of your being? Do I not matter to you
anymore? Or is this some passive aggressive way for you to get back at me? Are you mad
because I didn’t go down on you last night? Is that it!?!”
“No, damn you. I just forgot. Oh, well. It’s too late. It looks like Cliff Elliot just moved in on your
Cliff approached Jen. “Hi, I’m Cliff. You’re Jen, right?”
“That’s right. How did you know?” Jen questioned.
“I have a personal obligation to know all the prettiest girls in school.”
“Wow, that’s a big obligation,” Jen said sarcastically. But she decided to cut the boy some
slack, after all he had tight football pants on.
Cliff saw Joey approaching. “Okay, I got to go. That Joey girl is coming over, and she is scary.
She once took on five guys in the cafeteria.”
“See you later Cliff. Hi, Joey,” Jen greeted.
“Hi. I’m going to be fast. Remember that night at the movies?” Joey asked. Jen grimaced, so
Joey took that as a ‘yes’. “Well, Dawson was acting all f*cked up because he forgot to take his
medication. You see, he’s manic depressive, and he forgot to take his lithium.”
“Oh, I’m sorry. I had no idea.”
“It’s okay. But Dawson is pretty embarrassed about it.”
“I can see why. He really acted like a c*nt rack.”
“Yeah…Anyway, he wanted me to ask you…Will you be in his movie?”
“You mean that thing you guys were filming when I moved here?”
“Sure, why not?”
(The Movie Set)
“You’re the director, Dawson. I’m the monster,” Pacey informed the director.
“He’s right, Dawson,” Joey told him.
“Fine. But this is my vision, remember. I can change it at any time. Jen, are you ready to come
out?” Jen was changing in the bathroom.
“I’m not coming out,” Jen called.
Dawson approached the bathroom door. “Why not?”
“Because…look at what I’m wearing…No! Don’t look at it!”
“What’s the matter? Is it too tight?”
“Among other things. If you weren’t the consummate professional, I’d be thinking you got some
pleasure of seeing me in this.”
“C’mon, Jen. We’re all friends here.”
Jen stepped out of the bathroom reluctantly, wearing only a red teddy and garter belt. “What the
hell does this have to do with a monster movie?”
“Everything, Jen. Everything,” Dawson answered, trying not to froth at the mouth. The outfit was
“Where did you get this?”
“My mom’s closet.”
“Okay, positions! Pacey, you’re behind the door. Joey, tie Jen up.”
Joey led Jen over to a Dawson’s bed. “Lie down,” she ordered. “Pacey, where are those
handcuffs?” Pacey tossed them over to her.
“No, no!” Dawson was exasperated. “Can’t you do anything right? Silk scarves! Let me tie them.”
He walked over to the bed and gently tied Jen’s wrist to the bedpost. “Don’t tie too tight. The
scarf should be able to support her weight, not cut off her circulation. Let’s not bruise Jen’s
delicate, lovely skin. Her beautiful skin. Her incredibly soft skin. Her gorgeous skin.” Dawson
started to lose control of what was happening in his pants, and to regain control; he pulled on the
scarf harder. Jen screamed in pain.
“Pills, Dawson. Take your pills!” Joey yelled. Shamefaced, Dawson ran to the bathroom. But not
for his pills.
“Can we start the scene already?” Pacey asked.
“Did you read the rewrite I gave you?” Joey inquired.
“What rewrite?” Jen demanded.
“Don’t worry, Jen,” Joey reassured her. “Just follow Pacey’s lead.” She lit some candles, dimmed
the lights, and got behind the camera. “Okay, start.”
Pacey approached Jen’s bedside in his monster costume. “Who are you?” Jen asked.
“I’m the monster from the creek. Don’t you recognize me? I saved you from a burning building,”
Pacey told her.
“Really? That was you? You look so different.”
“Yes, that was me. I risked my life for you…are you willing to repay the debt?”
“…Yes…Do I have a choice?”
“The only way to restore me to my original form is a kiss. Just kiss me. Kiss me once.”
“Sure. Okay.” Pacey leaned over and kissed her on the lips. Joey blew out the candles, then
quickly relit them. Pacey was now without costume, standing over Jen in his boxers. He looked
in the mirror.
“Damn,” he muttered.
“What’s wrong?” Jen asked.
“The curse is double layered, you see. A kiss turns me into a man. An ugly one, with a Caesar
haircut. But if you’ll have sex with me, you’ll restore me to my original hotness. With a dope
“Define hotness. Hot like Ben Affleck in ‘Chasing Amy’ or in ‘Good Will Hunting’?”
“More like Ben Affleck in ‘Armageddon’.”
“Well, why didn’t you say so before? Of course I’ll do it.”
“You’re an angel.” Pacey climbed on to the bed and started to untie the bonds.
(Fifteen minutes later)
Dawson emerged from the bathroom. “Okay, we’re ready to shoot the scene.” But, lo and behold,
the scene was already in progress.
Both Pacey and Jen were doing some weird porn star sh*t that Tamara taught him. Their clothes
had been discarded long ago.
“Hey, what the hell is this?” Dawson yelled. “I didn’t say action, I didn’t say action, did I? So
don’t start the scene until I tell you to.” He flipped on the lights. The stars cried out in shock,
reaching for a sheet or something to cover their bodies. Finding none, Pacey put a pillow in his
lap, and Jen hid behind Pacey.
Dawson walked over to the bed. “Pacey, what the f*ck were you thinking? Jen, are you okay?” he
asked, genuinely concerned.
“Fine, Dawson,” Jen replied, staying behind Pacey.
“How long have you been shooting this, Joey?” Dawson asked.
“At least fifteen minutes.”
“Really? That’s all?” Pacey remarked. He turned to Jen. “It didn’t seem that long? I really got into
the scene, didn’t you?”
“Yeah, I know. It didn’t seem like anyone else was in the room. I became my character. I was no
longer Jen. I was the innocent being seduced.”
“Seduced? There’s nothing about seduction.” Dawson frantically flipped through the script. “Page
67, Monster kisses beautiful goddess. Monster becomes human. The end.”
“Hey, it was in my script,” Pacey said. He tossed the pages at Dawson.
“Hey, these are written in! Joey, I need to talk to you.” He grabbed his producer and dragged her
into the bathroom.
“Why the hell did you write this in? You ruined my wonderful script,” Dawson cried.
“Hey, you said you needed some action. I gave you action,” Joey protested.
“Not that type of action!”
She shrugged. “Minor detail.”
“Hey, are we still on camera?” Jen asked
“Yeah. I think so,” Pacey answered.
(Back in the Bathroom)
“You suck!” Dawson screamed. Then he composed himself. “What would Spielberg do? He would
reshoot the scene. That’s what I’ll do.” He went back into the bedroom, to find his stars once
again going at it. He tried to pull them apart, but Jen kicked him in the head. Then Pacey
scooped up Jen and they finished in the privacy of the bathroom. Except for Joey, who was stuck
in there with them.
(An Hour Later)
The scene was reshot, so Dawson was happy. Joey wasn’t. Having sex was one thing, but
watching it live was another.
Before she left, Jen asked Dawson if he was going to the dance.
“No, nobody asked me.” Dawson shuffled his feet hopefully.
“Oh, well, Cliff asked me.”
“Cliff? Why would you go with Cliff? I mean, he’s good looking and nice and everything, but why
(Three Hours Later)
Joey loyally remained at Dawson’s side, even though everyone left hours ago.
“How could she go with Cliff?” Dawson wondered for the hundredth time. “My script is so much
better than his. His is pure crap. A badly written, stupid football movie. I mean, football movies
with teenage protagonists never work out. You know, like that movie. What was that movie?
“Yeah, why would Jen choose Cliff over you? Your script is so much better that his. You even
gave her a bigger part. She is just cheerleader in his movie. In yours, she is the star.”
“Well, I’m not going to sit around and mope. I’m going to the dance.” Dawson started to dress in
the appropriate dance attire. After all, his pants were in bad shape after his little bathroom
Jen and Cliff danced to Savage Garden’s ‘I Want You’. Dawson tapped Cliff on the shoulder.
“I’m taking over for you, Cliffie. Jen is my girl. Thanks for priming the pump, but I can take over
“Dawson, what the hell are you doing?” Jen questioned.
“Yeah, right loser,” Cliff retorted. “You have to fight me first.”
“Fine. I’ll take you on. I’ll take all of you on,” Dawson answered bravely. The rest of the football
team turned around. “Well, maybe just Cliff.”
Cliff let go of Jen and took a fighting stance. Dawson swung wildly and missed. Cliff laughed and
shoved Dawson lightly. Dawson lost his balance and fell down. “Hey, no pushing,” he
“Fine. I’ll kick instead.” Cliff kicked Dawson in the head, but because Dawson’s head was so big;
Cliff actually hurt his own foot.
A circle of kids formed around the boys. They cheered for the winning guy, aka Cliff. They yelled,
“Go Cliff! Whoop his ass! Break his vertebrae in a million pieces! Hit him where the sun doesn’t
shine! Come on, Noel, you’re supposed to be a RA. I know you can hit harder than that.”
Jen walked away, muttering “Stupid assholes.” Dawson staggered after her.
“Jen?” He called. His voice was pitiful, weak.
She turned around. “You forgot your pills again, didn’t you?”