A Parody: Part 3
by: Melissa and Tammy
Author's Note: Some offensive material for you religious people. A few blasphemies. The rest of you shouldn't be
Dawson and Joey sat on the bed, watching his very special director’s cut of Jurassic Park.
Dawson paused the movie; “This will be Jen and me. Me and Jen.”
“Ooh, sex with dinosaurs. How cool is that?” Joey said sarcastically.
“It isn’t about sex at all, Joey. It’s about romance.”
“Romance? You call a movie where humans run around half naked and act as love slaves to
“Are you for real?”
Dawson sighed heavily, “You don’t get it, do you Joey? Fine, I’ll explain it to you. Romance isn’t
about dinosaurs at all. The dinosaurs are merely an overextended metaphor in the movie. The
dinosaurs symbolize giving up control to another person. Part of romance is the chase. Stalking
your prey, then finally catching it. Beating it down into submission. That is what romance is all
“Dawson, you are so brainwashed. That theory of yours is the product of years of watching too
many movies. You can’t buy into that image of romance Hollywood projects constantly.
Romance isn’t all about chasing your true love down and pouncing when ready. It’s more than
that…It is blood and sweat and tears. You just wouldn’t understand.”
“Did you just pull that out of your butt or what? Of course romance is about stalking! This is the
20th century! Denying stalking as an integral part of romance is like denying that…”
“Jen has no interest in you whatsoever?”
“Joey, you are so deluded. Of course Jen likes me. And we will make love, that I promise you. I
will no longer be a virgin.”
“Excuse me? You can’t be a virgin.”
“Yes, I am. Don’t you believe virginity is lost when you first make love?”
“…Yes…But there’s no way you can be a virgin after all the- you know -we’ve been doing
Dawson shook his head dismissively. “That was just sex, Joey. Not making love. Just good hard
sex. No emotions involved, no magic.” He restarted the movie. Thoroughly pissed off, Joey left.
Dawson stuck his head out the window. “Hey, why are you leaving so early?”
(Cut to Opening Credits)
Cliff Elliot stood in the middle of class, surrounded by his avid fans. “Okay you guys. I know
originally we were all going to vote on the better script, but screw that. Instead we’re going to do
“Good thinking, Cliff.” Nellie Oleson said, patting him on the back.
“You’re so smart, Cliff,” Laura Ingalls Wilder echoed.
“Thank you, but let’s get back to business. I have changed the title to my movie. It is
called….dramatic pause…Extra Terrestrial!” The whole classroom burst into spontaneous
“Extra Terrestrial? What kind of loser name for a movie is that?” Dawson grumbled from the back
of the room.
“Okay, so I figured with a great title like that, we should change the plot a little. Now the movie’s
gonna be about an alien. You know, the kind from outer space. And he’s gonna visit this
guy—what’s his name again? Oh well, his name will be Elliot. You know, like my last name.” The
crowd nodded in rapture. “And I figure he should lure the alien into his bedroom by using Reese’s
Pieces-no that’s a fucked up candy. How about...M & M’s? Anyway, he lures the alien back into
his bedroom where-”
“Where they have sex?” Dawson interjected. The classroom looks at him in disgust. “What?
Every cinematic masterpiece has sex in it. You know like- It’s a Wonderful Life.”
“There’s no sex in that,” Nellie pointed out.
“Yes, there is. How do you think they had all those kids?” The students rolled their eyes and
then turned back to Cliff.
(Ice House, after school)
“So then Cliff decides to change the plot to his movie. I mean, c’mon, whose gonna like a movie
involving an alien from outer space? The only good one ever made was E. T. and that was a
fluke.” Dawson finished his second glass of Coke.
“Yeah, Dawson, whatever,” Joey putting another glass in front of him. He burped loudly.
Pacey joined them, two glasses of soda in hand. Dawson grabbed both and chugged them down.
“Drowning your sorrows in Coke?”
Dawson wiped his mouth wit the back of his hand. “I’m not talking to you. Not after what you did
to Jen at the shoot.”
“Man, you’re blowing it all out of proportion. She gave me her virginity willingly. I did not force
“What are you talking about?” Dawson demanded, snapping is fingers for another drink. “You
guys were just acting, right?”
“Of course, they were,” Joey reassured, bringing over more Coke, and shooting Pacey a warning
glance. “Pacey was just talking in character…” Her voice trailed off. She saw a gorgeous dude
walking on the pier, looking for his shoes.
Pacey noticed, “Hey, dude,” he yelled. “This girl thinks you’re hot! She wants to have sex with
you! She wants to take off your pants off and run her tongue down your-”
Joey punched Pacey in the face as hard as she could, breaking his nose. “Shut up, you ass.”
Pacey touched his nose gingerly. “I’m sexually aroused, Josephine.”
She punched him again. “I told you never to call me Josephine.” She looked over at the docks.
The guy was begging passerby’s for quarters.
“Stop drooling, Jo.” Pacey said warily. Now, with more confidence that she wouldn’t hit him, he
continued, “Oh, so you like that sort of thing. Do you want me to introduce you two?”
“You know him?”
“No, but I know how to get his attention.” And with that Pacey chucked a couple of quarters at
The guy looked up at the sky. “Thank you, thank you. It’s raining quarters everybody!”
“No, you idiot,” Pacey told him. “I threw them at you.”
“Oh. God bless you, sir.” The guy walked off.
Dawson drank another glass of soda. “Remember, we’re going to start shooting at my house at
Pacey in monster costume, chased Joey around the kitchen table. Dawson and Jen stood
behind the camera, recording. Joey ran into the pantry and Pacey followed her, shutting the door.
Joey screamed loudly and seconds later, stumbled out covered in blood. Pacey pounced on her,
licking the ketchup off of her.
“Okay, that’s a take,” Dawson called. Pacey kept on licking.
“Get off of me, you ass.” Joey punched Pacey in the nose again.
“Damn you. I just had it reset,” Pacey moaned.
“Here, Joey,” Jen intervened. “Let’s get you cleaned off.” She led her into the bathroom.
“You don’t have to do this,” Joey protested as Jen unbuttoned her shirt.
“No, it’s okay. I want to.” Jen unclasped her bra. “You know, you have a nice body. Do you work
out?” “No,” Joey answered awkwardly.
“I wished I looked like you. Your stature, your incredibly sensual mouth,” Jen licked her lips.
Joey met Jen’s gaze and smiled. Jen had really nice eyes, she realized. She leaned forward
hungrily, but Jen wasn’t looking at her face anymore.
Jen stared at Joey’s breasts. “Joey, have you ever thought of breast implants?”
“I mean, your breasts are fine and everything. But if you get bigger ones, they’ll make you look
even skinnier. And you know what they say: thin is in!”
(Alley between the Quick-Time Video and the Laundromat)
Joey squinted her eyes, trying to find the guy she followed down the alley. Suddenly she spotted
him, behind the trash can. What was she going to do? She certainly couldn’t just walk up to him.
She had to find something in common with him. She looked at him again, this time he was
eating out of the trashcan. Joey smiled and walked over to him. She reached into the trashcan
and started eating something unrecognizable. He smiled at her, examining her. Suddenly he
lashed out and threw her on the ground. Then he grabbed her shoes and ran. Joey sat up,
rubbing her head. “Oh yeah, he wants me.”
Dawson began to set up props around the fountain. First he set up the candles, and then he lit
them. Next he tried to decorate the stone pillars by setting up curtains in between them. Finally
he shoved a bed into the center, next to the fountain. He folded back the comforter, admiring the
E.T. design. “Perfect.”
“Dawson?” Jen called, walking into the ruins.
“Jen, I’ve just finished setting up. Are you ready?” He noticed the silky white negligee she was
wearing. “You look…”
“This doesn’t make me look fat, does it?”
“No. You look stunning. Gorgeous. Breathtaking,” he complimented.
She blushed prettily. “You’re embarrassing me. Are you ready?”
“I was born ready.” Dawson got behind the camera.
Jen sat on the bed, waiting for her true love. After a moment, she realized he wasn’t going to
come, so she stood up, distraught. He was gone for good and she started to cry. But then she
remembered the power of their love and all the beautiful memories they shared, and smiled. She
would continue to love him even after death.
“Wonderful. Cut,” Dawson called.
“Are you sure? We can do another one,” Jen offered.
“No way.” Dawson scooped her up and set her on the bed. “But I want to make a sequel. The
monster is reincarnated as a hot and handsome blond filmmaker. Let’s rehearse…” He leaned
over and started to kiss Jen passionately.
Jen pulled away, trying not to choke on his saliva. “Is that your tongue?” She looked over his
shoulder, “And is the camera still running?”
“Yeah, you don’t have a problem with that, do you?”
“No. But that’s not the point! You are such an ass! You didn’t even bother telling me about the
sequel!” Disgusted, Jen began to pout prettily.
“So what’s you’re name again?” The guy asked.
“Joey. And yours?”
“Anderson. Wow, those clothes look really clean. Are you sure you’re homeless?”
“Positive. I just stole these from some guy.” Joey said.
“Good thinking. I’m from Harlem, how ‘bout you?”
“You’re from LA?”
“Yeah. Uh...you gotta problem with that?”
“No, but how’d you get here?”
“Hey, you wanna go sailing?” Anderson asked.
“You own a boat?” Joey asked, perplexed.
Anderson began to laugh, “You don’t get out much, do you?” He grabbed Joey’s hand and ran
onto a boat.
“Jeez, Tamara,” Pacey groaned, pushing the horny teacher off him. “We did it three times in the
past hour. Haven’t you had enough already?”
“Pacey, please,” Tamara begged. “You know how hot you make me. Just once more and we
could do whatever you want.”
“You said that the last time. Can’t we talk instead? I’m a man, I have needs. I need intellectual
stimulation, not just physical. Can’t we discuss what’s happening in Washington right now or
“No, let’s screw instead.”
“How about a romantic, moonlit walk? In the ruins?”
(Back to Jo and the Homeless Dude)
“This is great,” Joey screamed, enjoying the spray of ocean water in her face.
“I know,” Anderson agreed, putting his arms around her. He slipped his hand in her swimsuit.
She punched him in the nose. “Ouch, you bitch,” he screamed. Blood spurted everywhere.
Joey punched him again. “Don’t you ever call me a bitch again!” Anderson stumbled backwards,
towards the edge of the boat. His arms flailed wildly, trying to grab something to hold on to. He
grabbed Joey’s bikini top.
“Asshole! No means no!” She gave him her right hook. He let go of her and fell overboard. She ran
to the rail and looked over. He was gone. “Oh, well. Guys are a bitch, anyway.”
“I don’t think the monster should kill as much in the sequel,” Jen told Dawson. “We should make
this more for the kids.” He didn’t answer. “Dawson? Dawson? Did you get that down?”
“Yes, I did,” Dawson answered mournfully, taking notes on his legal pad. His perfect evening was
ruined. He had hoped to spend most of the time making love to Jen, but instead he was taking
down her movie ideas. Damn! Then he remembered what Pacey had given him earlier. He
reached into his pocket and pulled out a packet of Roofies. He dropped a couple of pills into a
can of Coke. Then he would score one way or the other.
“Dawson, what are you doing?” Jen asked, smiling prettily.
“Uh…Nothing.” Dawson quickly hid the can behind his back.
“What are you hiding?”
“Just this soda,” Dawson replied nervously, showing the can. Under Jen’s scrutinizing gaze, he
began to panic. Why had he hidden the can to begin with? Dawson touched his brow; he had
begun to sweat. Damn! He had to cool off; Jen wouldn’t want a sweaty lover. So he took a long
drink of Coke. Then another. And another. He downed the can within a minute. “Sorry about that,
sweet stuff,” Dawson apologized, feeling a little bleary. “You know how it is…” He stumbled over
to the bed.
“Dawson, what’s wrong with you?” Jen asked nervously. She joined him on the bed.
“Nothing, baby. I feel fine.” He started to kiss her.
Suddenly, they heard someone enter the ruins. “Hurry,” Jen urged. “Someone is coming.” She
led him behind a wall.
It was Pacey and Tamara. “Ooh, Pacey,” Tamara moaned, pushing him on to the ground. She
pounced on him.
“Hey,” Pacey protested. “There’s a bed three feet from us. Why don’t we use that instead of the
“Because I like it rough,” Tamara told him. “You know, rough. Do you mind, sugar plum?”
“Well, don’t rattle snakes come out at night? Or is it black widows?”
“Oh, honey, it’s so sweet of you to worry about me. Don’t worry, I’ll be on top this time.”
“Actually, I’m worried about bites…”
Tamara unbuttoned his shirt. “Don’t worry, I don’t bite. Hard, anyway.”
“Jen,” Dawson whispered softly. “What’s going on?”
“I can’t see,” she whispered back.
“Jen,” Dawson said again.
“I want to make love to you. I want to make love to you so bad it hurts,” he told her, his words
slurring slightly. The drugs were taking effect.
‘He is so sweet,’ Jen thought. “I want to make love to you too, Dawson.”
“Good… But there’s one problem… I don’t know how.”
Jen sighed prettily. He was so different from all the bad boys she knew in New York. He was
pure, innocent, had a collie hair cut. “Okay, I’ll guide you through it.”
“Good,” Dawson managed to get out before losing consciousness. Then he fell on the ground, flat
on his back.
“Wow,” Jen said. “You really want me to take charge, don’t you? I never had a boy do that before.
But, hey, I’m game.” She started to undress him.
(The Next Morning)
Dawson opened his eyes slowly. He was still in the ruins. Jen was getting dressed.
“Dawson, you’re awake,” Jen cried. “I just want to thank you for last night…. It was incredible. I
never had a night of passion quite like it. The way you let me take charge; let me do things to
you… Oh, that really turned me on. You were so trusting. You know, most guys wouldn’t have let
me do the things I did to you last night.”
“Oh-oh really,” Dawson stuttered. “What things are you talking about, in particular?”
“You know, the stuff with the letter straps, and the Crisco. And the bees. Oh, yeah. Then there
was a snake. And that little dog. He was so cute, he reminded me of you. You know, with the
collie hair cut and all.”
“Dog?” Dawson repeated.
“Yeah, that one over there.” Jen pointed to a dog lying on the ground, dead.
“Oh my God, the dog’s dead!”
“Well, what did you expect, after a night like that. Puppies can’t withstand as much pain as
humans can. But don’t worry, Dawson. I think he was about to go anyway. He was already
frothing at the mouth when I found him.”
Dawson’s head hurt. His body hurt. But most of all, his… dun… dun… dun… arm hurt. He
glanced down and saw a giant bite mark on his wrist.
“Jesus Christ, what happened?”
“Oh, Dawson, that little thing,” Jen said dismissively. “If I were you, I’d be more worried about
your-” she pointed at his crotch.
“Holy Jesus Mother F*cking Christ!”
Does Dawson have rabies? What happened to his- you know? What really went on that night
with that little dog? Don’t forget the snake. Will Joey get charged with murder? Will anyone even
notice that Anderson is missing? Did Tamara bite Pacey? (Of course.) But what we really want
to know: did a spider bite him? Oh, yeah, most importantly, if Jen gets pregnant, will she have an
Stay tuned for the next installment when we answer none of these questions.
Authors’ Note: Dawson and Jen did not use a condom. We do not promote unprotected sex. You
should always use protection during sex. Or you might pick up a disease, like rabies or kids.