By: Tammy

Disclaimer: My thoughts. Therefore mine.

Summary: TV musings.

Parallels...between my life and those fucking teeny bopper shows. Excuse the language...

My head is pounding. My thoughts swirl around me and I can't think anymore. It feels like I'm drowning, suffocating. I can't breathe and I'm so dizzy I think I'll fall over.

Am I tired? Is that why my head is pounding? I took three aspirin...well, not really. Some gel caps that are like aspirin but cheaper-economy size from Costco. Or Price Club. I forget what they call it now-what they used to call it.

I wonder how long things will be like this. Where I feel like I'm dying. It just hurts so much. I try to breathe, take it one moment at a time. But the moments keep building, one on top of each other. The mountain grows and my head hurts just thinking about all the things I have to do. College applications, homework, tests.

I can't concentrate anymore. I find myself daydreaming during tests. SATs, calculus...I start out fine and then I start to imagine. Start to recall, remember. I shouldn't think about him. I have to concentrate.

Why does my head hurt so much?

I had to get a day planner. I never needed one before. But now I can't remember. I have to write down everything I have to do-not just homework. Things I want to watch, buy, pick up, etc. It's like I can't think anymore. My mind is just a puddle of goo and all I want to do is just sleep it off.

But my dreams are the worst.

I have these amazing wonderful dreams.

And then I wake up. And I'm living in my own worst nightmare.

It's not fair. Not fair at all. Because I never took him for granted. I loved him-I caught myself there. I wrote loved-but I wanted to go back and write love. Why did I do that? I'm starting to cry now because I added an 'ed.' I shouldn't have to do that. I shouldn't have to cry or think or berrate myself for making my verbs past tense.

But now I have to. Because I have to deal with the fact that he's never coming back and I don't want to deal with it.

I don't want to have to turn on 'Dawson's Creek' and watch Dawson deal with his stupid problems. It's something stupid and fictional and I don't give a shit if Mitch dies because he isn't real.

And he died over a freaking ice cream sandwich.

I want an ice cream sandwich. I want to go back to the way things were. I want to pretend that I don't know what Dawson' going through. I want to cry.

But I'm already crying, so I don't see how that actually works. Like I said, my brain is mush. Moot. I can't remember anything anymore. Didn't I already say that? Why am I watching 'Felicity' but not really watching it? I want to care. I want to feel. I am feeling, but it just hurts so much. The emotion is just so raw--

--I was in a middle of a thought about how much I'm hurting but was pulled away by Felicity. How fucked up is that?--

What was I saying? I want to go back and write what was going through my mind, but it's gone now. I can't write what I don't feel. The numbing is fading. Maybe I need to watch 'Felicity' more often. Pretend that my life will be like that someday. That things will go back to normal. To quote Dawson, "get that fuzziness back." Okay, paraphrase. Badly.

Aw, what the fuck is that? Ben's dad is dying. Just freaking amazing. Dawson's dad died, Ben's dad is, and I've read two fan fics that I loved until recently. What happened? Oh yeah, they decided that their characters had to get into life-ending car crashes to make it more exciting.

Only somehow while they lie there in a coma, their one true love will wake them up. Fuck that. He burned. And that's so not fucking fair. Because I loved him. I love him. Dammit, I'm crying again. And I love him. And I want to see him one more time. I want to hear his keys jingle in his pocket as he jumps up and down.

I want to fall in love. And have my dad there to walk me down the aisle.

end game