True Feelings
A Parody
by: Melissa and Tammy
“Dawson, you have to choose, Jen or me,” Joey demands.
“But Joey, I need more time! It’s only been three months! You can’t rush me. It’s too hard to make a choice right now. I hear two voices in my head, bickering back and forth. And they keep fighting, and I can’t make them out…” Dawson holds his head in his hands. “Please, I need more time.”
“Okay, I’ll give you until next season,” Joey bargains.
“No! That’s too soon! I need more time!”
“But Dawson, all those teenyboppers who are so crazy about us won’t be teenyboppers by the time you make your decision. Hell, by the time you make your decision, you’ll be a thirty year old junior.”
(Cue to theme music. Dawson hears Paula Cole’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Wait’ song in the background. He falls onto his bed moaning.)
“The voices! Make them stop, make them stop!” Joey watches Dawson writhe on the bed, lustfully. Any second now she’s going to jump his bones. Her leg muscles bunch, as she is about to pounce.
(Cut to commercial. Damn)
Dawson walks through the hall. He has the feeling that someone is following him, but he is not quite sure. He turns around, but doesn’t see anybody. He turns back around and bumps into Jen.
“Oh, hi Jen.”
“Dawson? Oh, I didn’t see you!” Jen’s hand flutters up to her chest in fake surprise. “Why, you should be more careful,” she said with the faintest southern drawl.She grabs his arm. “I hope you’ll sit with me at lunch. If you don’t I won’t have anyone to talk to!”
“Jen, we always eat together.”
“You mean with the group?” Jen laughs lightly. “I was talking about a more intimate setting.”
“Intimate!” Dawson squeaks.
“Yes, intimate,” Jen flutters her eyelashes. “You know, I was thinking about going to the party this weekend. But I have no one to take me.” “I’m sure plenty of guys would like to take you, Jen.”
“Oh, no. No one has asked me at all,” She sighs heavily. “It’s sad, really. Well, I guess I’ll have to stay home and knit with my grandmother. Or read the Bible. Or pray. Do you have any plans this weekend, Dawson?”
“Uh, Jen, I have to go,” Dawson croaks, tearing his arm away from her. He sprints down the hall toward Pacey.
“Hey, hot lady, what’s going on?” Pacey asks a girl walking by.
“Loser,” she replies contemptuously.
“She likes me.”
“Of course she does.”
“Excuse me?” Pacey turns around and sees Dawson.
“I said, ‘Of course she does.’ How can she not? You’re funny, cute, smart, charming, suave,” Dawson babbles.
“Took you long enough to realize it. So, have you made a choice between Jen and Joey?”
The bell rings. Dawson wipes his forehead in obvious relief.
Then hisface brightens with anticipation.
“Pacey, can I carry your books and walk you to your next class?”
“Books? Like I have any. But, hey D., I think I have a solution to your problem.”
“You mean you thought of a fool proof way for me to choose between them?”
“Simple. Don’t choose between them. Take both at once. You can have a nice filet-o-fish, you know?”
“No,” Dawson answers cluelessly.
(The Cafeteria)
Dawson and Pacey are sitting at a table, eating. Joey sees them and makes a beeline for their table.
“Well? Have you made you decision?” she asks.
“Yes, I I,” Dawson stutters, but he feels Pacey’s hand on his knee and calms down. “Of course I have Joey. I choose you. You are my one and only…” he pauses and looks down at something written on his left hand. “Soulmate. I love you and only you. Just don’t tell Jen.”
Joey sits down next to him. “That’s wonderful,” she squeals and pecks him on the cheek. They eat their lunch. Suddenly, Dawson is aware of a hand squeezing his kneecap. He smiles, but stops when he realizes the hand isn’t Pacey’s.
He turns to Joey. She smiles and squeezes a little harder. He bites his lip and asks Joey to get him a soda. She obliges. As soon as she leaves, Jen comes over.
“So, Dawson have you given any thought to my proposition?”
Dawson looks down at his hand. “Of course I have. You are my one and only-” Dawson stops, realizing he’s reading the wrong hand. He starts again from the right one. “I mean, I would love to go to the party with you this weekend.”
“You bastard!”
Dawson looks up from his hand and sees a sobbing Joey. “You two timing son of a bitch. I thought I was your one and only!”
“No, I’m his one and only!” Jen cries.
“Girls,” Dawson holds up his hands to stop them from crying. “Don’t cry.”
Joey sees the words written on the palms. “You asshole! You scripted the whole thing.”
Jen grabs one of his hands and starts reading it. She starts to cry. “I feel so used.”
Enraged, Joey throws the can of soda at his head.
Jen dumps her own sodadown his shirt. Both girls leave the cafeteria sobbing.
(Cut to Dawson’s Bedroom)
Pacey and Dawson are lying on his bed.
“Man, I still think you have a chance with either of them. Just give them so time to cool off. They’ll come running back to you.” Pacey reassures.
They hear someone coming up the ladder, so they both sit up. “What did I tell ya?”
Joey comes through the window, followed by Jen.
“Dawson, Jen and I realized something today,” Joey begins. “You’re an asshole.”
“Yeah, you led us on. But worse than that, you kept us apart.” Jen takes Joey’s hand. “We’ve been talking for the past few hours and we realized we have more things in common with each other than you.”
“Like we both like sunsets, the sound of rain, and pink triangles,” Joey starts.
“And rainbows, and ‘Xena: Warrior Princess’, and Erica Jong’s poetry.” Jen finishes. “So, good bye, Dawson. We no longer want you.” They both leave, still holding hands.
Pacey laughs. “Congratulations, Dawson, you’ve turned them to the dark side.” “I guess they don’t want to go out with me Friday night.” Tears spring to his eyes, but Dawson tries to hold them back.
“Don’t worry, Dawson you still have me.” Their eyes lock, and they look away uncomfortably.
“Pacey, will you hold me? Hold me in a way that only a man could.”
“Okay.” Pacey enfolds Dawson in his strong, manly arms. “I’ll stay with you as long as you need me.”
The End