Unhappily Ever After
by: Melissa and Tammy
Author's Note: Yet another parody. And Night Stand is a real show. Watch it, it's freakin' hilarious.
(Set of Night Stand Talk Show)
“Hi, my name is Dick Dietrich, host of Night Stand. On tonight’s show, we’ll meet two guys in relationships with really hot women, who want to sleep with them. The only problem: our boys won’t do it. And they’re aren’t gay! Stay tuned.”
“We’re back,” Dick says to the camera. “On tonight’s show, we focus on two teenage couples. They are in love, they are happy, but there is no sex involved. The girls are willing, but the guys are a little shy. Our first guest is Dawson Leery, an aspiring filmmaker from Capeside, Massachusetts.”
(Dawson walks on stage and sits down in one of the chairs. The caption says: Spielberg Wannabe/Virgin, Won’t Have Sex with Girlfriend, but Insists He Isn’t Gay.)
“Hi, Dawson. Welcome to the show,” Dick greets.
“Thank you, Dick. I’m glad to be here,” Dawson replies.
“Dawson, you’re a good looking, smart kid…I’ve seen your girlfriend…What’s the problem?”
“Well, Dick, it’s just that she’s had all this past experience-”
“You mean she’s a slut?”
“No! Um...You see she’s slept with other people and I’m still a virgin.”
(Audience says “Aw”.)
“Isn’t that the definition of a slut?”
“Well, yeah. But she’s sorry. I mean she’s smart, she’s beautiful. Her name is Jen Lindley, Dick. And whenever I see this girl, I see kids, grandkids. I’m just crazy about her. But I can’t get past her stupid past.”
“If Jen was here right now, what would you say to her, Dawson?”
“I’d tell her-I don’t know what I’d tell her.”
“Well, you better think of something quick because Jen is backstage right now in our soundproof booth!”
“Yeah, we told Jen that tonight’s show was about teenage romances in today’s times. Audience, would you like to meet Jen?”
(The audience responds applauds loudly in response to the question.) “Jen, come on out here!”
(Jen walks onstage and sits down next to her boyfriend. The caption says: Blond Bombshell/Slut, Wants to Sleep with Dawson.)
“Hi, Jen. Good to have you on the show,” Dick greets.
“Yeah, Dick,” Jen answers.
“I have a confession to make, Jen. Tonight’s show really isn’t about teenage romances. It’s about guys who won’t sleep with their girlfriends. Got anything to say about that, Jen?”
Jen buries her face in her hands. “You didn’t,” she says to Dawson.
“Didn’t what, honey?” Dawson asks innocently.
“Trick me to go on some stupid talk show to talk about our personal problems.” He nods guiltily. “You asshole!”
“Jen, I understand where you’re coming from,” Dawson comforts.
“Actually, she’s not coming at all, no thanks to you, Dawson,” Dick accuses. He sits down next to Jen and puts his arms consolingly around the upset girl. “Why don’t you tell us your side of the story?”
Jen takes a deep breath, trying to compose herself. “Dawson and I have been together for awhile now. I want to take our relationship to the next plateau. But he keeps putting me off. He’s been doing this for the past few months. I don’t know what to think anymore, Dick. Am I that undesirable?”
“Of course not. I’d take you anytime. Why don’t you explain yourself, Dawson?”
“Jen, I love you and I want to make love to you, but I can’t,” he confesses. “I just feel so inadequate, compared to your vast experience.”
“I told you, that doesn’t matter to me.”
“How can it not matter?” Dawson asks indignantly. “Dick, she slept with two guys. (The audience gasps.) At the same time.” (The audience gasps again.)
“How did you find that out? Who told you?” Jen demands to know. “Was it Joey? It was that bitch, wasn’t it?”
“Hold on, people. Calm down,” Dick orders. “Is this true? And if it is, can I join in next time?”
Jen glares at him, but starts to speak. “It happened a long time ago, when I lived in New York. I was home alone with two guy friends. We were drinking-”
“You think that’s an excuse?” Dawson interrupts.
“And we all started to fool around. Then one guy took out his-”
“Wait, wait,” Dick interrupts. “We can’t say certain words on television. Let’s call the male part a taco, and the female part a tostada.”
“Okay, Dick,” Jen acquiesces. “One guy took out his taco and I took a bite out of it. Then the other guy took out his taco and came out behind me…and you know.”
“He put his taco in your tostada,” Dick adds helpfully.
“Yeah, and he got taco sauce all over my mother’s carpet. I was cleaning for days.” Jen began to cry. “I’m not proud of it Dick, but I reformed and put my New York ways behind me.”
“Literally and figuratively, Jen?”
“Dawson, why do you have such a problem with this? I mean, I thought that you’d be turned on imagining your girl with two other guys. I know I am!” Dick says.
“Jesus Christ, Dick. I was raised a Catholic. The priests didn’t talk about this.”
“Of course they didn’t, Dawson. In Sunday school they never talked about that. The priest would give you some wine and he would tell you about the love men had for each other. Sometimes you would wake up in a cold sweat, and who would be there for you? Him, ready to rub your back and help you get to sleep. Hasn’t that ever happened to you?” Dick asks the audience. No one responds. “I guess not. Just an out of the blue question, Dawson: Were you ever an altar boy?”
“Uh, no Dick,” Dawson answers, a little uncomfortable.
“Okay, then. But you have a solution to your problem, right, Dawson?”
“Yes I do.” Dawson turns to Jen. “Jen, I think we should-”
“No, Dawson not now. Sweeps. We’ll get to your solution at the end of the show.” Dick turns to the camera. “We’re going to commercial, but stay tuned. We’ll have another sexually dysfunctional couple on next.”
(Cut to Commercial.)
“Okay, we’re back. Our next guest is Pacey Witter, ironically Dawson’s best friend.”
(Pacey walks onto the stage and sits next to his friends. The caption says: Town loser/Screw up; Only wants to f*ck teachers.)
“So, Pacey, tell us a little bit about your relationship with Josephine Potter.”
“Well, Joey and I have know each other for ages. We’ve been dating for a year and she thinks it’s important that we have sex together.”
“No, you see I want to take it slow with Jo. Real slow, really slow.”
“And you’re not gay?”
“Can’t a guy be in a loving relationship with someone and not want to have sex with her?” Pacey asks the audience. No response from the audience.
“Well, yeah I guess if she’s ugly.” Dick pauses, thinking for a moment. “Is Joey ugly, Pacey?”
“No, of course not. She’s very-”
“Hell, I already knew that. I met her backstage! Well, I think it’s about time that the audience sees Joey. What do you say audience?” The audience erupts in cheers. “Joey, come on out here!”
(Joey walks on stage and kisses her boyfriend before she sits down. The caption reads: Wants to f*ck the boy who wants to f*ck teachers.)
“How’s it hanging Joey?”
“Okay, I guess. You?”
“Well, actually not that much. But let’s not talk about me, let’s talk about your problems. What seems to be the trouble Joey?”
“You see, Dick-”
“No, I don’t see that much actually. Especially after a cold shower.”
“Anyway, I’m a virgin and I want Pacey to be my first. But Pacey refuses to have sex with me.”
“Why won’t you have sex with Joey?” Dick inquires.
Pacey takes Joey’s hands and looks deeply into her eyes, “It’s like this, Joey. I can never have sex with you because…because I’m your half-brother.”
The audience gasps. Jen and Dawson turn away, disgusted. “People, I thought you were from Massachusetts, not West Virginia,” Dick quips.
“What do you mean you’re my half-brother?” Joey asks, half confused.
“Joey, when we were going out, didn’t you ever wonder why my dad hated me so much? Or why he hated your family, your father in particular?”
“But I thought it was just because he arrested him for dealing dope.”
“It was more than that. Before your mother got sick, your dad spent a lot of time at our house. He was over there so much, we even had his favorite beer there. One night when I was ten years old, I walked into the kitchen to get a glass of milk. I saw my mom and your dad going at it on the kitchen floor.”
“But if you saw them, that would mean that you were already born. That you aren’t my brother.”
“But a few months after that I heard my parents arguing. Apparently, my father knew about the affair. According to him, it had been going on for the past ten years. I did the calculations, Joey.”
“Did you mean that I almost committed incest?”
“Yeah, aren’t you glad I stopped you?”
“You asshole!” She swung at him. “You knew the whole time, and you didn’t even bother to tell me!” Pandemonium breaks out and Dick quickly cuts to commercial.
(After the commercial)
“And we’re back. As many of you may know, we have a medical kit on the set. It’s filled with Band-Aids and the tranquilizer cocktail. As you can see, Joey has already sampled one of our cocktails.”
(Camera pans over to Joey who has a needle in her arm and looks considerably calmer.)
“We have our therapist, Abby Morgan with us tonight. Abby, have you already talked to our guests?”
“Yes, I have, Dick,” Abby answers. “I talked to the boys during the break, and helped them come to a solution to their problems. Dawson, you go first.”
“Jen, I’ve been thinking,” Dawson begins. “About all our problems and with Abby’s help, I came to a solution. It’ll require Pacey’s help. Are you going to help us, bro?” Pacey nods. “Here it is: The three of us must sleep together.”
(The audience gasps.)
“What?” Jen is lost. This cannot be from the mouth of the boy she loves.
“Don’t you see? If we all sleep together, it’ll solve everything. I won’t feel inadequate anymore, because I have done something on par with all your experiences. You’re already friends with Pacey, and this experience will deepen all of our friendships. Best of all, Jen, we will share something beautiful. And after this, we’ll be the strongest we’ve ever been. We can accomplish anything. What do you say?”
“You stole this from ‘Chasing Amy’, you bastard,” Jen screams. “God, couldn’t you have thought of your own solution? Well, my answer is no.”
“What do you mean, you can’t do it? I’d thought you’d be into this. No? What does that say about me? You can take it from those two losers, but not the guys you love?”
“Don’t you see, Dawson? This will just cause more problems. What if we’re in the heat of the moment, and you hate me for going along with it? What if you realize you could never pleasure me the same way Pacey could? You’ll start to hate Pacey, and then you’ll hate me for driving a wedge between you two. Or what if I saw something in Pacey that I never saw before? And I fall in love with him and leave you. How would you feel then?”
“You stole that from ‘Chasing Amy’ too!”
“Yeah, and I’m going to steal the ending. Do you remember the ending, Dawson?” He nods sadly.
“But I don’t remember the ending,” Dick interrupts. “Can you act it out for us?”
Jen stands up. Dawson follows numbly. “I can’t be apart of you. Not after this,” she says. “I love you. I always will.” She hugs him, crying. Dawson realizes this is the end of their relationship, and tears fall down his face. Then she pulls away and slaps him across the face, hard. “But I’m not your f*cking whore.” She walks off stage. Dawson sits down, stunned. The whole audience is moved by Jen’s display of emotion.
“Nice going, champ,” Abby says sarcastically.
“Shut up, bitch,” Dawson retorts. “You gave me the idea.” He follows Jen off stage.
“Well, Abby, that was interesting,” Dick comments. “What do have in store for our other couple?”
“Incest is best?” Abby shrugs. “If they move somewhere down south, no one will care.”
“You’re a sick girl,” Pacey tells her. He takes a drugged Joey by the arm and leads her off stage.
“Okay, we’re going to commercial, but stay tuned for my wrap-up!” Dick says to the camera.
(Cut to Commercial.)
“We learned many things tonight. The first thing: Love feels good.” (A clip of the two couples at the beginning of the show is shown.)
“Second: Love hurts.” (A clip of Jen slapping Dawson.)
“Third: Love makes you puke.” (A clip of Pacey and Joey kissing.) “Well, I’m Dick Dietrich, and I’m saying goodnight.”